I have been completely wrong about Nicole Scherzinger - she's Schermazing on X Factor
When it was announced Nicole was an X Factor judge, I was outraged - but she's brilliantly eccentric AND talks sense
Judge: Nicole Scherzinger is beautiful and kind of weirdITV
Roughly once a decade, when the sun sets in the north, the moon is in the right phase and the stars align perfectly, I am wrong about something.
It happens so, so, so, so, so, SO* rarely that when it does, I always admit it straight away.
Nicole, Im sorry. How can it have taken me this long to realise that YOU ARE SCHER-MAZING!
I hang my head in shame at the memory, but when it was first announced that Nicole was an X Factor judge, I was outraged.
I called her a bland fembot and raged at Simon Cowell (only here, not directly, obv. Am wrong, not insane) for fobbing us off with someone too dull for the US version.
Last weekend, after Tulisa had trotted out some reliable old favourites from her catalogue of cliches (which all need to be hospitalised for exhaustion), the camera panned gratefully to Nicole.
She immediately declared the performance both gorge-oire and schmazeballs.
Never mind weve never heard those words on X Factor before, weve never heard them anywhere neither of them exists.
Nicoles like someones mad old aunt who found a magic lamp, got three wishes and picked that body, face and hair.
Shes brilliantly eccentric but also crucially for someone so crackers, she talks a lot of sense.
Instead of just saying everyones brilliant, Nicole gives contestants constructive criticism, even when they do well! .
The backstage VTs show that shes a strong, supportive, imaginative mentor. Girl can dress too. Shes helped shy, wounded little Jahmene become literally Jahmazing.
And her full name is Nicole Prescovia Elikolani Valiente Scherzinger. Whats not to love?
I couldnt help but compare my new heroine and all her sparky nuttiness with my old one, when watching Cheryl Nosurnames behind-the-scenes tour diary this week.
Did you see it? Chezza didnt come off wella.
Its funny how that level of fame can affect people Cheryl seems to have developed a killer combination of complete self-obsession and zero self-awareness.
When her dancer boyfriend injured his foot, she told the camera, Its serious. This is his life, his livelihood Like, what would I do if I lost me voice?
Cant have just been me who shouted at the TV, Youd mime, like you always do anyway!
She said repeatedly that shed decided to try and make her live show the biggest and best it could possibly be. Because most artists try to make their concerts the smallest and worst they can possibly be, of course.
When Cheryl first met Nicole, she thought she was crazy and odd both true, both amazing, by the way.
Cheryl wrote in her autobiography, It was really embarrassing. She started singing Promise This to me, and I swear to God the woman sang the whole song, to my face. It was just so awkward, and every time I stood next to her she started singing it again.
I cant tell you how happy that story makes me.
Beautiful weirdo Nicole on the panel again next year, please Simon. For sure. Because now Ive seen the light, I cant imagine two words li-ving (fingersnaps) without her.
*times a million
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