The 5 Best "X Factor" Replacements for Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul
I give The Voice a hard time for never quite measuring up to American Idol, but let's be clear: Both shows are waaaay better than The X Factor, the overblown, overwhelmingly bland singing competition that just fired judges Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul, as well as host Steve Jones.
Simon Cowell's quest to make The X Factor viable within the vast wasteland of Idol copycats that he himself galvanized remains confounding, but perhaps recasting the show's lady judges is a step in the right direction. Here are our five best suggestions:
Whether you're a fan of P!nk's snarly, pseudo-preteen grit or not, there's no question that the 31-year-old is a better and more vocal judge of artistic authenticity than Abdul and Scherzinger.
If The Voice is set on criticizing performers only for their laryngeal prowess, then The X Factor should react with a rubric based on sheer starpower. Surely someone like P!nk, who takes pride in her take-it-or-leave-it candor, would be able to separate the bona fide superstars from the rest of the pack.
4. Mariah Carey
Yes, she probably wouldn't commit to the job, and yes, her name has come up in this context a million times before, but Mariah Carey is just... a compellingly unfiltered interviewee. Did you see her appareance on HSN for that gilded vault of tinsel she calls a jewelry line? Unbelievable. And I still can't look away.
Now, George Michael famously turned down Simon's offer last time around, but there's still time to pick up the phone and do the job we all know he can do. He appeared on the 2009 X Factor finale in the UK alongside winner Joe McElderry in a triumphant duet, and even his statements to the press regarding his severe pneumonia last month were touching.
I crave a George Michael comeback of any sort, and X Factor would give him a chance to exercise his two greatest assets: honesty and that indefatigably soulful voice.
2. Madonna
Though she told reporters that she "already had enough jobs" when asked about joining The X Factor, Madonna's unceasing superstardom and true wittiness would make her an exhilarating addition every single week. Though I fear she'd play her role too diplomatically, she'd still be Madonna, see.
If anything, she'd elevate the stakes of the competition with her very presence. Even with a $5 million handout, the last season of X Factor proves it still needs better stakes.
1. Courtney Love
Dear television: If you care about me, you will wrangle Courtney Love into a judging gig on a talent competition. Can you imagine the thrill (and zeal!) of watching Courtney Love follow a shill like L.A. Reid as a totally unhinged barrister?
Example: "Uh, hey, look, baby doll, I don't know what he's talking about. You don't have an original voice and you're contrived at every level. It's a fatal flaw. You're not going to get over it. You're a Lana Del Rey sendup, except no one wants to do you. Billy Corgan would even scoff, but f*ck him, seriously. Seriously f*ck him. He's over, he's ugly, he's garbage as a frontman, and I'm sorry I f*cked him. Whatever, go be a network star, I don't f*cking care."